Itsy Bitsy Indian Spider

When I was growing up in India, I used to wonder why there was no Spiderman in India. Now I think I know why. Here is why Spiderman cannot survive in India:

• He keeps touching the open electric wires and getting nearly electrocuted
• 120°F and 100% humidity. Imagine wearing a skin-tight spandex suit with a hood
• That cheap Spider-suit he bought on the sidewalks of Mumbai keeps ripping off at uncomfortable places at inconvenient times
• It’s very hard to focus on the task at hand with all those stray dogs chasing him
• Since Peter Parker is a non-Indian name, he has to use some ridiculous name like “Pavitr Prabhakar”
• Vishwa Hindu Parishad and Shiv sena put pressure on him to change the color of his costume to Saffron
• Some fringe religious groups that worships spiders will get the government to ban taking spider’s name in vain. Since it is impossible to find an animal/insect that is not worshipped in India, Spiderman will have to go with lower life forms like “Hydra man” or “Entamoeba histolytica man”
• In the slum areas of the big cities that have no buildings, Spiderman will be reduced to using a bicycle for transportation. It’s neither easy nor glamorous fighting bad guys on a bicycle.
• There will be protests against the obscenity of his skin-tight suit with dubious bulges
• Frequently gets tangled in kids’ kites and gets sworn at by the pissed off kids
• Those Diwali rockets are a pain in the ass, literally

I stumbled on this Wikipedia article recently. Apparently there was an attempt at Indianizing Spiderman in a series of Comic books. The names they chose are hilarious:

Peter Parker – Pavitr Prabhakar
Mary Jane – Meera Jain
Uncle Ben – Uncle Bhim
Aunt May – Aunt Maya
Norman Osborn – Nalin Oberoi
Harry Osborn – Hari Oberoi