Next stop, insanity

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Craptastic!

When software engineers in California are not dreaming about going skinny dipping with Angelina Jolie, they are dreaming about making millions of dollars by starting a software company. I do too. I mean the latter part.

I have an idea for this wonderful software. I don't know how to make the software yet, but a like a true day dreamer, I prepared the packing and the feature list for the software. Let me share my idea with you.

(Click on the image to enlarge. Read product description after the image)


What is Craptastic?
Craptastic is an amazing new software that reads a Bollywood (or other Indian movie) DVD and makes it into a movie that is actually watchable. All you have to do is pop the DVD into your computer, run the software, burn a DVD and watch it! You will never have to hurt your fingers again by holding the "2x" button for one and half hours.

Feature list:
  • Using modern and complex algorithms, this software makes Aishwarya Roy look like she is almost acting
  • Searches each frame and digitally puts a shirt on Salman Khan's disgusting bare body
  • Since most songs are rip off of English songs, those songs will be replaced by original English songs
  • Using digital pattern recognition mechanism, this software makes dying characters die as soon as they say, "I am dying" sparing the viewer the 10 minute monologue
  • By a patented new technology called ChildAgeCorrect, this software adds realism to movies by making children look at least as old as the dialogs they are spewing out. Warning: Most kids in movies will look 18
  • Coat color correction: Rich people in the movie will wear normal gray, blue or black suits instead of orange, green or lavender.
  • We all know how distracting those protean sweat patches under the armpits of heroes and heroines that are changing in every frame. This softwake make them look exactly the same in every frame
  • (Only for Tamil movies) Applies strategic pixallation in fight scenes where the hero is wearing a lungi.
  • And many more features!

Bonus software included:
MovieExperience is a great fun software that comes free with Craptastic. Applying MovieExperience will enhance the sound track so that your movie watching experience is closer to watching in a theater. Some features include:
  • Adds the voice of the annoying guy talking in the back row
  • Adds crying babies (up to 8)
  • Adds the voice of that 12 year old girl who already saw the movie and providing a preview of the upcoming scene
  • Adds whistles and hoots when the heroine's pallu drops
  • After the movie ends, it adds instant reviews in real voices like, "What a load of crap," "I want my money back" etc.
Order now!

46 Comments:

  • Please send me a free sample :)

    By Blogger The Inquisitive Akka, at Thu Aug 17, 02:09:00 AM 2006  

  • so wen is it going to be available in market.. are u gonna make trial version available on net... :P

    By Blogger Apy, at Thu Aug 17, 03:08:00 AM 2006  

  • Ingenious!! :)
    Patent this crap thingy asap .. Bill Gates is watching..

    P.S. You should have released it in market before KANK. You could have made millions. But K.Jo wont disappoint you. He'll make many more! :)

    By Blogger Anu, at Thu Aug 17, 04:31:00 AM 2006  

  • do you accept cash??? :)

    By Blogger Nachi, at Thu Aug 17, 04:47:00 AM 2006  

  • Tamilians wearing lungis in fight scenes??? :-O
    What if it falls off? It wont be PG anymore!

    By Blogger video, at Thu Aug 17, 05:22:00 AM 2006  

  • fantastic idea, take my order now!!!
    and whats it abt ya logo. dont be surprised if NIKE sues you.

    By Blogger harshavardhan reddy, at Thu Aug 17, 05:31:00 AM 2006  

  • Does plastic mean money to you? Do you deal in it???

    By Blogger Crizzie Criz!, at Thu Aug 17, 06:12:00 AM 2006  

  • LOlzz! :)
    this is going to be first of its kind isnt it ?

    By Blogger White Forest, at Thu Aug 17, 07:13:00 AM 2006  

  • Where do I mail my check????
    TD, the world will bless you!

    By Anonymous Dilnavaz, at Thu Aug 17, 07:36:00 AM 2006  

  • I love it...Lol
    I want it sooon so I can sit thru hindi and regional movies..
    sheer enius man!!

    By Blogger La vida Loca, at Thu Aug 17, 09:10:00 AM 2006  

  • A better solution would be not to watch the movies which seem to cause so much agony. Would save the cost of the original dvd and the proposed software.

    By Blogger Shreemoyee, at Thu Aug 17, 10:12:00 AM 2006  

  • hey dude you know who else is from california ( i think ) chuck norris and if you go to www.m0hid.gov.hu/vote you can name a bridge after him.
    all you have to do is find the his name in the ABC Szerint then save on elz├╝ld.
    at least do it so he can beat stephen colbert and that asshole zrinnyi

    By Blogger alex, at Thu Aug 17, 11:23:00 AM 2006  

  • the inquisitive akka:
    as soon as I finish coding ;)

    apy:
    looks like there is a lot of demand for it :) man i should really do this

    anu:
    "before KANK"
    Oh, I am not worried. I can count on Bollywood to keep producing crap without fail

    nachi:
    You can cash for the product or are you just trying to bribe me to write the software sooner ;)

    video:
    "What if it falls off? "
    That's exactly where the software comes in :)

    harshavardhan reddy:
    I should be worried more about the company I stole the package image from because it's their logo :)

    crizzie criz!:
    Plastic is the only money I know :) Really, I don't carry more than 10 buck in my pocket

    white forest:
    Yes, unless somebody steals my idea ;)

    dilnavaz:
    You genrally mail a check at the postoffice ;)

    la vida loca:
    that is the exact reason why I thought about it

    shreemoyee:
    If people don't watch movies, what's the benifit for us or Bollywood? If we have this software Bollywood can keep making crap, people can keep enjoying movies and we can make money - Win-Win-Win!

    By Blogger Twisted DNA, at Thu Aug 17, 05:21:00 PM 2006  

  • he he he could not control my laughter.... does it also simulate the kicks at your seat back or teh child who definitely cathes your hair while walkign at the back row or the silhouettes of latecomers.... or the vendors who start coming before the interval or the crunch of the popcorn & the smell of the patties

    By Blogger itchingtowrite, at Thu Aug 17, 10:12:00 PM 2006  

  • hahah!
    Wonderful idea..ur a genuis...bollywood needs a person like u...!
    Now just get down to making this software so that poor souls like is can be saved from the torcher of watching films like KANK!

    By Blogger Anand, at Thu Aug 17, 11:27:00 PM 2006  

  • Twisted DNA, Founder CEO of Craptastic Inc ;) When does it get into production.

    By Blogger Mr. J, at Fri Aug 18, 12:22:00 AM 2006  

  • am gonna sue u for plotting and scheming and devising means to use my clients movies n modifying dem witout express licence to do so (tats d IPR lawyer in me speaking)

    by d way (off record) wen is it releasing (ur software) coz i wanna order one too :P

    By Blogger Asawari, at Fri Aug 18, 01:41:00 AM 2006  

  • Hmm... so the thing is... if we use the Craptastic thingamajiggy, we wont have any bollywood movies to laugh at anymore.

    By Blogger video, at Fri Aug 18, 05:17:00 AM 2006  

  • Brilliant post. Would have been perfect for watching KANK which I saw yesterday. Complete with an obnoxious and opinionated guy on my left and a mother with a toddler on my left...

    By Blogger Rohini, at Fri Aug 18, 05:35:00 AM 2006  

  • Win-Win situation? Let me analogize what you call the win -win situation.

    One knows that hitting your head with a hammer will hurt, but you go ahead and hit yourself any way and then whimper that you are hurt and propose to invent a hammer with a sponge head to alleviate the pain. The main point is that you intend to continue hitting yourself with a hammer no matter what. You will perhaps then ask around to see if there are more people who have done the same and form sympathy support groups or laugh it off, but masochism, that is a must.

    Yeah definitely the software is needed here.

    By Blogger Shreemoyee, at Fri Aug 18, 09:22:00 AM 2006  

  • @Shreemoyee: I would analogize slightly differently. Watching a Hindi movie would be like reading People magazine. You know it's crap and that you really should be doing something with your life instead. But hell, it's so floozy, you can't wait to see how much floozier it'll get! The upside with People, though, is that you can skip the pages that are completely torturous--which is where our very own Craptastic comes in. :-)

    By Anonymous Dilnavaz, at Fri Aug 18, 10:54:00 AM 2006  

  • Dilnavaz : A dvd has a fast forward button. But you said it too. It is a matter of choice.

    By Blogger Shreemoyee, at Fri Aug 18, 11:49:00 AM 2006  

  • itchingtowrite:
    "does it also simulate the kicks at your seat back or teh child who definitely cathes your hair"
    LOL. I didn't think of that! At one movie when there was a song, one guy in the row behind was rhythemically hitting my seat with his foot, not even realizing he was doing it. When I asked him to stop, he was very embarrassed and apologized :)

    anand:
    I am planning to off-shore everything to Honk Kong and hire a development VP. Know anybody good? ;)

    me:
    You know, CEO of Craptastic doesn't sound all that good. I need to think of a better name ;)

    asawari:
    he he he. I will move to China, the land of no-copyright-law ;)

    video::
    Software can only do so much. If you remove ALL ridiculous stuff from the movies, there won't be any movies left :) So there will be enough stuff to laugh about after you run the s/w

    rohini:
    Kids at movies are a big problem! You can't even say anything. If you do, you become this anti-kid uncool person

    dilnavaz:
    Thanks for the show of support. You have been hired as the Marketing director of Craptastic Inc. :)

    shreemoyee:
    "A dvd has a fast forward button."
    The s/w automates that for you too! All we care about is making your life easy (and make money, not necessarily in the same order)

    By Blogger Twisted DNA, at Fri Aug 18, 04:30:00 PM 2006  

  • This is hilarious but so true. In reality it would sell soon, my hubby for one will be the first one to buy it.he is always 2xx to move it along faster.

    By Blogger starry nights, at Fri Aug 18, 05:44:00 PM 2006  

  • This is very hilarious! Can resist my laughter after going through it Good one! keep pouring!:)

    By Blogger indianangel, at Fri Aug 18, 05:45:00 PM 2006  

  • hey,
    when is this product coming out...am already signing up as ur customer!:-)

    By Blogger Ekta, at Fri Aug 18, 07:52:00 PM 2006  

  • Thanks, TD...I'll throw in my PR expertise too...for free! After all, we're here to keep our customers happy, right? ;-)

    By Anonymous Dilnavaz, at Sat Aug 19, 12:22:00 AM 2006  

  • need a marketing manager? ;-)
    also, i offer my services for beta-testing!! :D

    By Anonymous nithya, at Sat Aug 19, 02:43:00 AM 2006  

  • Where were you for so many years genious? Nice one.

    By Blogger Astral, at Sat Aug 19, 06:33:00 AM 2006  

  • :) Great idea. Let me know, probably we can opensource it. That would be the biggest ever opendev effort in s.w history.

    By Blogger samurai, at Sat Aug 19, 05:17:00 PM 2006  

  • Is there anything you can do about the fight sequences that are supposed to be the intro scenes for the starrers? They are dangerously stupid and inane.

    By Blogger Deepa, at Sun Aug 20, 04:22:00 AM 2006  

  • Cant wait for it to be in the market :-). Of late, I gave up watching Hindi movies to spare myself a headache and hallucinations. A brilliant post.

    By Blogger Sush, at Sun Aug 20, 04:58:00 AM 2006  

  • Are you serious ?
    I think i should wait for p2p uploads !..LOL

    By Anonymous prabhu, at Sun Aug 20, 07:50:00 AM 2006  

  • LOL!! The tittle "Craptastic" is excellent too :)

    By Blogger Liz, at Sun Aug 20, 03:09:00 PM 2006  

  • starry nights:
    Ya, me too. I watch most of the movie in 4x (the fastest setting on our DVD player)

    indianangel:
    Thanks :)

    Ekta:
    Looks like there is as a lot of interest. I might really have to work on it ;)

    Dilnavaz:
    Exactly, we are here to keep the customers happy ;) We are a good team, we understand each others' drift well :)

    nithya:
    You will be a good marketing manager. But you will have to work from home because you are too accident prone and we don't want you to set the office on fire or anything by accident :)

    Astral:
    Where were you all these years when I was looking for customers :)

    Prasad:
    LOL. You are right. People will jump to contribute to this!

    Deepa:
    I didn't think of those long fight scecnes too. If we remove the fight scenes too, there won't anything to waatch in the movie. May be we should make the characters involved in the fight say jokes while they fight. It will at least be entertaining

    SushSyam:
    LOL@hallucinations.

    prabhu:
    p2p LOL, I didn't think of that! I think we'll have to add some anti-piracy code such as, if you don't have license, the software will automatically add Mithun Chakraborthi to the movie ;)

    Liz:
    Thanks :)

    By Blogger Twisted DNA, at Sun Aug 20, 11:02:00 PM 2006  

  • Fantastic idea !!

    Since all Bollywood movies are rip off of Hollywood movies, can put the original one though.

    Suggestion for the product - Please remove all those unnecessary singing and dancing :)

    By Blogger greensatya, at Tue Aug 22, 12:17:00 PM 2006  

  • a few more things to add for enhancing this terrific product:

    Like, it must have an in-built, pre-loaded and selectable memory sensors that will delete Himesh R songs before the movie starts. it should also give the users to choose the other alien behaviors (some already preloaded and continuously updated) like SRK's 'aeeeeee....oeeeeeee...hunnnnnnnnnn' types, suniel shetty's always open mouth etc to get rid off.

    By Anonymous Surfryder, at Thu Aug 24, 04:36:00 AM 2006  

  • This compliment should have u floored:
    I m now reading Gerald Durrel, who is supposed to be very funny.. and have gone through the first chapter with a genuinly amused smile.. but your posts.. really have me laughing out loud (in physical terms).. and in office.. at that!!!

    By Blogger How do we know, at Fri Aug 25, 02:14:00 AM 2006  

  • heh heh this is hilarious!! I am blogrolling you right away!!

    By Blogger Varsha, at Fri Aug 25, 03:03:00 AM 2006  

  • greensatya:
    That's a good idea. Then we can probably cut Hindi movies to 2.5 hours!

    surfyder:
    LOL@Sunil Shetty's mouth :)

    how do we know:
    Wow, that's quite a compliment. I will need to frame it and keep it in my office like a memento :)

    varsha:
    Cool! Thanks for blogrolling :)

    By Blogger Twisted DNA, at Fri Aug 25, 03:12:00 AM 2006  

  • Wow !!! Where can I buy this software ?

    By Blogger bablu, at Tue Aug 29, 12:39:00 AM 2006  

  • Hilarious post! I don't think I would buy the software though. I actually enjoy watching Biwi No. 1 over and over and over again. Then again, maybe I do need help.

    By Blogger Alan, at Thu Sep 07, 07:42:00 PM 2006  

  • bablu:
    On this site, as soon as I am done writng it :)

    alan:
    "Then again, maybe I do need help."
    ROFL. Biwi No.1, huh. If you can take that, you don't need this software :)

    By Blogger Twisted DNA, at Fri Sep 08, 01:32:00 PM 2006  

  • Oh man, this is funny :)

    I can see lots of strategic alliances in the making...team up with K.Johar types so that he will make movies that absolutely positively require a Craptastic for viewing! Oh wait, he does that already...

    How about embedded Craptastic in movie watching glasses? ala 3-D glasses? you can "personalize" the experience for everyone!! one gets to choose the level of "crap" filtered :)

    hilarious post!

    cheers!

    By Blogger Saffron, at Tue Oct 31, 11:03:00 AM 2006  

  • Err, can you bring out a software which does the same with the K serials?
    Great post!

    By Blogger Jayashree Bhat, at Fri Apr 06, 09:56:00 PM 2007  

  • reminds me of a post I wrote some time back :
    http://anamedoesntmatter.blogspot.com/2006/05/typical-hindi-movie.html

    By Blogger Jayashree Bhat, at Fri Apr 06, 09:57:00 PM 2007  

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